We’ve all heard the voices.

  • “What are you doing?”
  • “Bet it all!”
  • “No! Don’t do that!”
  • “That’s not safe.”
  • “Go for it!”
  • “What will people think?”

There are these two distinct voices in our heads that color our biggest decisions and many of us don’t even take the time to know which voice is speaking the loudest. In the movie Animal House it’s an Angel and a Devil on each shoulder that try to convince you of what decision to make but I like to think about it as our fear versus our instinct.

Have you ever made a decision just because it felt right? It’s not logical. Maybe you just didn’t have the time to think it through but you pulled the trigger anyway. How did that decision work out for you?

I remember the first time I was aware of it happening to me. It was my mother’s birthday and she was so difficult to get the right gift for. In past years, I’d spent weeks trying to figure out what to get her. You know, really thinking about it and looking at what she might need and appreciate. It never worked out for me. I’d wait with anticipation for her happy reaction and would always be disappointed.

But this time, I was so busy that I never had a chance to even think about it. I remember that I got home from work late and my wife and daughter were waiting for me. We jumped in the car and headed to my parent’s house when my wife asked me what I got her. That’s when I hit the breaks, took a sharp turn and made a quick stop in the first store I saw to find something.

I remember running through the aisles and scanning for anything. I tried to think of something she might need but nothing came to mind. I was getting desperate when I saw it. It was a statue of a Hindu Goddess. We’re not Hindu but something about it felt right. Even so, I still didn’t trust my instincts. I kept shopping for a while but when I couldn’t find anything else I settled for the statue.

Do you remember the Imperial March music from Star Wars? That’s all I heard in my head on the drive to their house. I was doomed and I knew it. This year I wasn’t even considering a positive reaction I was looking for her disappointment. I braced myself when she started to unwrap it. Here it comes.

“I never lose. I either win or I learn.” ~ Nelson Mandela

When she saw it, her eyes lit up like I’d always hoped in the years before. She loved it. She smiled so wide and gave me a big hug. She made my father make room on the fireplace mantle to give the statue a position where it could best be seen. It was amazing. I was in shock.

During the course of the night, she made sure everyone saw this thoughtful gift we’d gotten for her. It felt so nice to have her enjoy something so much. It brings a smile to my face just thinking about it even now. After she passed, my father gave that statue back to me and I think of her happy face every time I see it.

I remember trying to figure out how I, subconsciously, knew she would like it. What drew me to it? How was I able to make such an accurate decision with such little time? I eventually realized that it was my instinct that drew me to it. I’ve known my mother my whole life and subconsciously I knew what she would like. I didn’t need to think about it. In fact, if I thought about it I would have probably talked myself out of buying it.

Years later I found clarity on the subject when I read Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink. Here’s the description of the book:

  • Blink is a book about how we think without thinking, about choices that seem to be made in an instant-in the blink of an eye-that actually aren’t as simple as they seem.

I highly recommend it as well as his other books. He has great insights into why we do the things we do.

The other voice in our heads is our fear. It keeps us from doing so many things in life. I can easily think of a hundred things I haven’t done because I was scared and all I can say is that I regret each and every one of those decisions. I do think one aspect of fear is important in that it that it keeps us alive. I don’t have any issues of not doing something because it could cost you your life.

I do, however, have an issue with not doing something because we are scared of what others will think. What we don’t realize is that “others” are too busy worried about what we will think about them to have an opinion on us. It’s a vicious cycle that needs to stop.

I also have an issue with not doing something because we are afraid of failure. I read a great quote recently: “I never lose. I either win or I learn,” by Nelson Mandela. What a beautiful way to look at life. I wish I’d had this thought process years ago. It’s so true. Nothing teaches us better than our failures so, in essence, there is nothing to lose.

Now when I hear the voice of fear in my head I first assess whether or not my life in danger. If it is not, then I know that this negative voice is not actually telling me not to do something, it’s really a sign telling me which way I must go. I have to go and conquer that fear.