Does 50/50 mean equal? Does it mean I give half and I get half? I guess when a couple gets a divorce, they divide up their belongings and money 50/50. Is that what it’s about? It’s something that I’ve heard about in movies and conversations that I never quite understood.

How can a relationship be 50/50? If we look at it literally, it can’t be true because someone is always going to drive a nicer car or have a bigger slice of cake. Someone is always going to get stuck doing more chores around the house, and someone is going to have to earn more money. How do you quantify that into equal value? Regarding literal, 50/50 is an impossibility.

If 50/50 were true emotionally, we probably wouldn’t ever have fights with each other, or maybe we’d have the exact number of fights in which one of us was correct. We’d be able to meet in the middle on everything, and maybe that would be enough to eliminate fighting altogether. We would support each other equally and pick each other up the same amount of times per week or month or year. When do we count up the times we’ve been there for each other to make sure it’s 50/50?

What about in friendships? Are they 50/50? Do I do as much for my friends as they do for me? I know there have been examples of me doing quite a bit for some ‘friends’ and they not doing anything in return. Don’t they owe me something at that point? They are not my friends anymore, so I guess they didn’t do their part. The ones that were there for me at hard times in my past are still my friends. Did I do enough for them? Was it 50/50?

On rare occasions, we both give 60% or more and collectively, the sum of our relationship is greater than its parts, and we somehow equal 120% or more. Those are the happiest days of our lives.

Everywhere I look, I fail to see a 50/50 relationship. I have friends and family who have done more for me than I could ever do for them. I’m not living up to my part of the 50/50 fictitious agreement, so why are they still here for me? I have other friends and family that I’ve done more for than they’ve done for me. Why do I continue to support them? They’re not living up to their part of our 50/50 bargain. Lord knows my wife does more for me than I have ever done for her. Why does she keep doing it? It must be my winning smile and glowing personality. Do I smile more to her than she does to me?

The fact is that no relationship works on a 50/50 basis. All successful relationship work on a sliding scale. The notion is that sometimes I give more to the relationship and sometimes she gives more. Sometimes I take more and sometimes she takes more. The relationship stays in balance when we slide one way or the other, together.

We must enter the relationship with the idea of giving more than we take. If we both attempt to do that, then we can make it. If I never expect more than 40% from her and she does the same for me, we put less stress on each other. If we give each other 60% and expect 40%, we can make it all the way.

Sometimes I’m struggling with something, and I need 60% or even 70%, and she gives it even though I never asked for it. Sometimes I do the same for her. On rare occasions, we both give 60% or more and collectively, the sum of our relationship is greater than its parts, and we somehow equal 120% or more. Those are the happiest days of our lives.

So, I ask you to stop trying to live up to the impossibility of a 50/50 relationship and focus on giving each other more than you take. If you can do that, then you are in an equal relationship.