As I drove my family out for dinner a few nights ago, I decided to change lanes but the person behind me pulled out and, kind of, cut me off from behind. I felt an instant pang of anger. What an a-hole! I thought. The rage within unleashed.

As soon as they passed me, I moved into the lane behind them and started to accelerate. I was going to teach this person a lesson! I was angry, focused and vengeful. As I sped up, I checked the rearview mirror and saw my children laughing in the back seat and my anger vanished instantly. What was I doing? How could I come so unhinged off of something so simple. I slowed down and got back in the slow lane and tried to figure out what happened to me.

In my mind, I’d decided that I was going to speed up and get back in front of the person. I justified it by thinking it was only right because they cut me off. I was going to pass them and that was supposed to, somehow, convey my superiority over them. What kind of lesson did I think I was going to teach them? That doesn’t even make any sense.

In reality, I was creating a conflict with another person completely by myself. You see, as far as I was concerned, we were in a competition – a race. The only problem was that I was in a race with a person that didn’t know they were in a race with me. Eventually, I realized that I was letting my anxiety, fears and stress control me and that’s a horrible thing to let happen.

The deeper I analyzed it, the more I realized what I was doing. I was creating a conflict with someone for no reason whatsoever. As I think back on it now, maybe they happened to decide to change lanes a second before I did. If so, all this person did was change lanes and accelerate a little bit but somehow the timing of it led to me taking it as a slight. That’s all it took for me to perceive it as a race for supremacy.

As I thought about this the next day, I was able to realize that I was carrying a lot of stress for completely different reasons and maybe, just maybe, I was using this interaction as an attempt to deal with that other stress. If so, that’s really unhealthy! What other crazy things have I done because I was stressed out about something else?

How often do I do that? How often do I let my stress, anxiety or fears take me over? Is it me or that stress that is arguing with my wife or kids? Is it me or my fear that’s in control when I make an insecure decision? Is it me or my anxiety that keeps from taking a chance on something I believe in?

When I realize how irrational my arguments are, I know it wasn’t regular me in charge. I know that when I do something wildly out of character, it’s because my pain took over. When I argue with someone and want to put them in their place, it’s because, deep down, I want them to feel the pain I feel. When I want to chase someone down and teach them a lesson, it’s because the pain inside of me wants that victory.

At the end of the day, it wasn’t a person who may or may not have cut me off that drives me crazy, it was me. I am the biggest cause of all the pain in my life. If I carry it around too much, it will manifest itself in ways that will impact my life in highly negative ways. I’ve seen it happen before. How do I keep this from happening again? How do I fix this?

I need to learn to process it and get it out of my system in a healthy way. Sometimes it’s exerting physical energy like working out or hitting a tennis ball over and over. Other times it’s finding a way to relax like meditation, floating or even just shooting free throws. Sometimes it’s dealing with it internally through therapy or writing.

Regardless of what pain you may be dealing with or how you process it make sure you take the time to take care of yourself. You don’t want to be the person that’s driving yourself crazy.